YOUR ABUSE BAROMETER

You are in an abusive relationship.. Maybe you are in denial maybe not.    If not, then the first step is recognizing the situation for what it is and then tell me this.  WHY?   

There are a lot of reasons why and many of them drive a stake into the heart of what you think about yourself.

Abuse isn’t limited to weak or dis-empowered women.  Incredibly strong businesswomen have fallen victim to the charming abuser.  That type of abusive personality is never always angry and upset.  He is charming and witty and consistently shows you what life might be like if only you were: smarter, better, neater, prettier, skinnier, richer.  If only you didn’t come home late; go out early; work so long; smile at strangers; talk so much; talk so little…IF ONLY then things would be so perfect.  

When you make a mistake he is the first one to correct you.  He is the first one to tell you how you should have done things.  The only problem is he usually isn’t perfect himself.  But you decry you love him.

Abusers usually shower their victims with flowers and candy or words begging forgiveness and the victim has been lulled into believing that there is no one else out there in this vast world who will love them.  The abuser becomes Svengali and he puts his victim into a near altered state.  In that state the victim actually believes that their abuser is their savior.  He decries: "How could anyone else love you?  How could anyone else protect you?  You will be all alone and the only person that would be there for you is me."  Those words echoed by the same one that just smashed you in the mouth and drew blood.  The one who demeaned you just hours ago.  Then the abuser demonstrates  the proper way to make a glass of orange juice; this is the same abuser  who chastises their victim after they cleaned the bathroom floor incorrectly.

Abuse is passed down from generation to generation and it is insidious and evil and can only be stopped when the victim stands up, speaks out and moves on.

But you love him.  How many times a day I hear that from a victim.  Why do you stay? "Because I love him."  What is it that you love about this person who just blackened your eyes; bloodied your lip; locked you in your room; cursed at you and called you bitch, whore, slut, worthless…what is it that you love about this mouse pretending to be a man?

Why do you love this person who is battering you?  Ask yourself what qualities this man brings into your life.  Don’t just answer with the words I love him.  That isn’t enough…what is it that makes you feel that emotion of love?  Is it the fact that he brings you flowers after he has punched you in the face?  Is that a loving gesture?  

 What would be an important and eye opening exercise now for you is the P & L statement.  That is a Profit and Loss statement on the abuser who is in your life.  On a sheet of paper put a Plus sign on one side and a Minus sign on the other.  You can fold the sheet lengthwise in half so you have both Plus and Minus on the same side.

Time to jump in and tell the truth.  What are the good points and the bad points of this person.  Just keep on writing and be honest.  I had someone do this with me once only to find out after we started going over the PLUS side that several of those good points were really not good after all.  So over they went to the Negative column and at the end of the day there were only 2 Pluses and a whole lot of Minuses.  While this will not make you walk away it will help you to see more clearly.

You need to be honest with yourself about why you love this person.  You cannot continue to bellow that you love them rather you  need to understand why.  Love is something that you give to another because of the amazing qualities that they possess.  If in truth you are just deluding yourself, deceiving yourself about what those are…then it is time to stop lying to yourself.  It is time to accept the truths about Love and why you Love or not.  Continuing to deceive yourself can and will be hazardous to your health at the end of the day. One young woman who I met with actually found very few redeeming qualities existed in this man however she let it go long enough so that the Emotional Abuse progressed to Physical abuse and one day he tried to run  her over  on a city street

Women regularly accept men who are far from perfect and who often times are abusive both physically and emotionally and who use the women for support but have no intention of having a long-term healthy relationship with them. Most of these men have no idea what a healthy relationship would look like to begin with.    They think nothing of cheating with friends or family  and have no moral compass to guide them. But a hungry woman, a woman with low self-esteem often  stays in a dead-end liaison hoping for something better.  Wake up!  Nothing better is going to arrive at your door and knock it down.

In order to fill a space with something or someone fabulous that space must be available…empty.  You can’t  hold onto something that isn’t working in the hopes that a Prince will ride in, lift you out of this dark hole and ride off into the sunset with you.

If you believe that, you are fooling yourself and destined for heartbreak.  No real Prince is going to want to spend his life with someone who is willing to accept so little.  Value yourself first and let go of that which isn’t working so that you can be open to something that might work.  If you think that repeating the same process over and over and expecting different results is anything short of insanity than you would be incorrect.  Studies show that more than one third of all women questioned would accept a mate knowing they are far less than perfect.  Why is that?

In fact that mate could be a dangerous drug-addicted abuser and still there are countless women who would turn a blind-eye in order to have that lukewarm body.  There are women who marry men who are incarcerated for life without parole and who will never enjoy the intimacy of a real relationship.  It sounds incongruous and borders on the brink of madness, but these women have found a  semblance of safety and security in a relationship where they know they will never be abused or  cheated on. These men provide a safe harbor for women with little or no self-esteem, possible victims of abuse in previous relationships.  It is true that the  entire concept of perfection differs from person to person. The obvious first step is to find out what it is that you, perfect, powerful Goddess, want in your life.

“It is with a word as with an arrow: once let it loose, and it does not return.”

— Abd-el-Kader (1078-1166)

Verbal abuse has no monetary or lifestyle boundaries, nor does it confine itself to any religious, racial or ethnic borders. It is by its very nature insidious, dangerous and can be deadly. In some respects, verbal abuse is significantly more dangerous than physical abuse because it cannot readily be seen. The physical batterer leaves his victim with the marks of his anger or rage. The verbal-batterer reduces his prey to a mere shell knowing that there are no bruises to cover, marks to hide or black eyes to excuse.

                                      But You Don’t Understand ...

The abuser counts on that for his success, but he also counts on a myriad of other victories. The abuser isolates his intended victim from loved ones. This includes all family and friends. While the abuser doesn’t fall into any particular monetary or occupational category, the victim doesn’t either. Make no mistake, the victims are not uninformed, unsophisticated, unworldly women. The long arm of verbal abuse can reach over and grab even the most sophisticated and worldly women in business. Intelligence, sophistication and knowledge of the offense does not prevent the abuser from being successful. The abuser begins with isolation. He claims that he wants to spend more time alone with his victim. This form of flattery works every time, not just some of the time, but every time. What woman can refuse the attention of a man she thinks she loves? Imagine having a man who WANTS to spend his time with you.

                                      Where Am I, Heaven Or Hell?

Let me tell you now…if you are with a verbally abusive man you are in Hell without question…even though the fires might now have shown themselves yet.  Heaven on earth or is it really a hell on earth? Time and the signs will tell.   Little by little the man in question has taken away all of your free time and either accompanies you to family outings and lunches with friends, or implores you not to go using a variety of excuses. He may wail that you don’t have enough time alone together. Or he might use the excuse that your mother, brother, sister, father, aunt, uncle, cousin doesn’t really like him. You may begin to feel a little stifled, but she stays. Once isolated, the abuser begins to attack her abilities, first as a woman, then as a person. It may begin with something as simple as the preparation of a morning glass of juice for him. Here you are someone who in business is  in charge of scores of  workers. You are creative, intelligent, and resourceful and yet, to hear him tell it, you are incapable of  preparing a glass of freshly-squeezed orange juice properly.

In the beginning he may just correct your “mistakes” pointing out your lack of skills and harshly showing you the proper method for preparation. But the harshness is always coupled with a dose of love and romance to keep you off-balance. As quickly as your abuser can strike like a cobra, he can turn on the magic and charm. He speaks words of love and caring; maybe brings you  flowers and candy.  This guy will  shower you  with kindness so that you can get a sense of  what life would be like, if you stay. You are afraid so you continue walking on eggshells as he covers you with love and tells you not to be fearful..  You probably spend much of your day off-balance as you begin to think that you are incapable and unable to make decisions without consulting him first.  Your spirit is crippled and your sense-of-self has been eroded. You wonder how you are ever going to regain those qualities again.

Will you ever be able to get away from this insidious situation? You begin to doubt your own abilities and he capitalizes on your weakness with his debilitating words.  The isolation that has become your life prevents you from getting support from those who truly love you.   Your abuser is probably clever and manipulative; charming and cunning; deceitful and dangerous; witty and personable. Sadly the  signs appear slowly and almost before  you notice you are knee-deep in quicksand without even a branch to grab onto.

Watch carefully for even the smallest signs that a man is emotionally abusive and run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit. What you see when everything seems to be going great, is the illusion. The truth is what you see when nothing is going great. The man who is showing you love by isolating you from friends and family is not the man you think he is.   Nothing is worth this heaven to hell experience and sadly many times it is impossible to remove yourself safely from this sort of hell.  If you suspect that you are with an abuser remember I am only a click away…Just ask!