The Myth Of Internet Dating
It is not as complicated as it may seem this thing called Internet Dating. Even though many people are confused by the magnitude of the system itself or the perception of danger in a type of "blind-folded" dating it really comes down to the methods you employ in searching for Mr. Right and how you interview prospective candidates.
One of the first things that you need to do is decide whether you are just out trolling for fun or if you really are looking for someone special to share your life.
Once you have made that decision and are clear in what your purpose is in this encounter then you can proceed...albeit with a few tweaks in your dating rules and attitudes.
There are many websites that offer online hook ups and meetings but I suggest going to Match.com or e.harmony as a start. There are millions of regular users on Match.com and if you follow my simple rules you will find interesting people to check out.
The first rule that is non-negotiable when dating on the Internet is tell the truth about your appearance. I cannot stress this enough.
It is perfectly acceptable to lop off a few years from your age, in fact I suggest that, if you look like a shoe in for 60 don't put your age at 40. Be realistic and make sure you look the age you state. Under no circumstances should you try to skirt the truth about weight or height or other personal appearance features.
Don't send your profile with a high school graduation picture; you in an outfit that depicts you as an outdoor person when you hate the woods with a passion or a picture of you as a slender young person when you have packed on the pounds. Those are lies that will be exposed immediately at your first meeting and will destroy any chance of a second one.
Time Wasters & Deal Breakers
One of the problems that most online daters run into in the fact that they don't really read the profiles carefully and they accept at face value the look of the person without checking the credentials and background.
The guy with two kids is not going to be the perfect man ever for the woman who doesn't like children. He is also not going to be perfect for that woman who needs to be the center of attention and finds herself at the back of the line when it comes to his children.
Someone who chain smokes is never going to be the ideal date for a woman who quite smoking a decade ago and can't stand the smell. A reformed drinker is not going to want to start up a relationship with someone who pops open a bottle on returning home from the office.
If you don't like animals than you don't really want the guy who breeds Jack Russell Terriers, plain and simple. Screen them right in the first place and you eliminate many of the problems that are sure to crop up a month from now.
Remember problems that exist in the beginning are sure to exist a month, two months or a year down the line. There is absolutely no point in starting up with someone when there is a Deal Breaker lurking in the wings.
I call that something that you simply cannot live with. This is the very reason that I say wait on the sex and listen while you are waiting. Listen and hear what the other person is telling you.
Men will open up and tell you what you really need to know about them directly or indirectly and it is your task to listen carefully and then decide honestly whether some part of this persons'life is workable or not workable.
Deal Breakers are different for different people. What doesn't work for one woman might be perfectly okay for another.
For example: I was set up with a very successful man while living in New York City and we went out a number of times. I didn't sleep with him and I watched his behavior as he supposedly courted me. Each and every time that we went out he didn't make any plans. Dinner was sort of an afterthought.
It may sound petty but when someone is taking you out in the beginning you are right to expect that some sort of plan should be made. There is a place for spontaneous activities but at first blush the rose shouldn't be already wilted.
He would pick me up and we would stroll up some avenue or another and he would pop into a restaurant and see if they had space. It just showed me that no time had been allocated to even have his secretary make a reservation.
That was a deal breaker for me and so I said NEXT! There were no recriminations and no horrible feelings in the pit of my stomach. I didn't waste my time or his nor did I allow this dating situation to drag on and on as I tried to work out my feelings after I had sex with him.
I just didn't have sex with him and so there was nothing for me to languish over. It was easy. I made the decision that it didn't really work and it was the right one. That behavior would just have translated into other problems going forward.
Once you have finally decided that the Internet is a great place to meet people and you are going to give it a fair chance...join a site.
Now you have to post a profile and a picture. Unearth a great picture of yourself or have someone take a fresh new one. This is the digital age and you can have a fab picture in a matter of minutes.
WARNING: Do not post any provocative photos with overexposed tits or asses thinly layered in dental floss pretending to be a swimsuit. This will drive your profile right down the path to the bedroom quicker than you can say Heidi Fleiss. Now if casual sex is what you want the Internet is really the place for that as well. But for now I want to focus on the reality of a real relationship.
You need to burrow through the annoying details of the profile and enter your user name...again don't use a name like "FreeNEasy or BigJugs" unless one night stands are what you are looking for. By the way the Internet is a perfect hook up place for that if it is where your interests lie. But then if that is what you are seeking you don't really need my advice.
Keep your profile name flirty and cute but far away from anything that could be construed as provocative or sex driven. Your vital statistics should be above reproach. If you weigh 200 pounds please refrain from describing yourself as nearly anorexic or slender and toned. Tell the truth. There are many men in the dating community who like big women but by all means do not lie.
There is one small exception that I usually suggest and that is age. If you really think you look 10 years or more younger then put the younger age in your profile. I always recommend that you lop a few years off. But caution, that is only if you truly feel that you look and can pass as younger and if your photo tells that story. If you look 10 years older than your true age please don't lie and try to take off 20. It never works!
On the other hand if you have a portrait of Dorian Gray in your attic and only the portrait is aging...lop off some years.
A lovely friend of mine put 53 in her profile and got zero contacts. I suggested she lop off 5 years and take it back to 48 and her mailbox was filled with replies. Those 5 years made the difference. Plenty of time to confess to your age deductions if and when you have a real relationship on the front burner.
It's raining men! Oh no...Best Beware of falling men! Better yet, beware of women who fall too quickly. Don't let your desire to have a relationship make you fall for the first guy who uses the terms "we" and "us" too quickly. This is a potential trap and could mean you are in for a ride on the terror train to nowhere.
Men will say and do anything to get laid. That means they will even morph into a gay man if it makes you feel more comfortable and off guard so that they can get you into bed.
What you do with your life and your relationships is up to you bright and beautiful woman that you are...but, make sure that you are asking for what you what and not accepting what you don't want. If what you want is a relationship that has some hope of permanence than you don't want some guy who is in the mood to get laid and will tell you what you want to hear to get there. The movie Magnolia with Tom Cruise was based on a true story about such a guy. His life's work was getting women into bed by saying anything and being anyone.
If Broken-Hearted Melody is your theme song and you get some sort of special thrill from having pains in your stomach that scream what did you do, then by all means listen to the cache of stories that this new man is plying you with and jump into bed on the sound of the first "we". But if you are tired of those times and want to have a chance at finding the right and perfect man then use the LALA approach. That means Look, Ask, Listen, Ask. Stop hearing what you want to hear and listen to what the person is really saying to you. If you do that it will be easy to eliminate Mr. Wrong from Mr. Right.
Most women judge the book by its cover. He looks like a Prince, talks like a Prince, so he must be a Prince. But perhaps he is merely a toad in Princely trappings. A one stop rent-a-life guy who goes back to a wife and kids or to his rented apartment on the other side of the tracks. In today's world anyone can make themselves into someone else.
Keep in mind you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a Prince, but if you keep thinking the frog is a Prince underneath that slimy green exterior, you may never find Mr. Right. Stop the kissing and start the listening...it will be much more revealing.
I realize that the mere idea of going onto the Internet to find Mr. Right is a daunting in fact even frightening notion that many of you are loathe to even think about. But truthfully in this day and age what are the choices.
Bars are really not an option as you may meet many people there but the circumstances are generally not conducive to long term relationships and just cry I am available for a one night stand...want to play?
If relationship is what you are looking for then do not go the Looking for Mr. Goodbar route and become a bar fly boozing your way through the neighborhood watering holes. The Internet, once explored and mastered, can be a very friendly and fantastic spot to meet that one special person.
I know, I did it! It isn't really very complicated but it is a relatively youthful process for meeting people.
There are a few pointers I would like to go over with you:
1. The dissection of the profile is critical...what that person says and doesn't say
2. Don't lie and try to be someone or something else. Tell the truth...but a little white lie about age cannot hurt.
3. You need a very good picture of yourself, but a real one not one from High School.
4. Be Proactive. Don't post a profile and picture and then wait around to hear from Mr. Right. You go into that website and scroll through it like a Fortune 500 Employer looking for that perfect candidate for President of the Company.
Keep reading and I will share many more secrets with you.
Dating Dangers, Don't Believe Everything You Hear!
Every day, intelligent, accomplished women make incredibly foolish and irresponsible choices in men. They believe everything they hear and nearly everything they don't see, flying blind in bad weather under very hazardous conditions. They become the inadequate males' best supporter rallying to his defense against both friend and foe alike. They dispense reason and rationale with the effortless bedside manner of a clinic doctor with too many patients.
They refuse to see the proverbial forest through the trees and they forge ahead defiantly defending their "hero." More often than not, the hero is really a frog. A fraud in princely trappings who if examined even a little more closely might have been exposed early on.
Too many women want so desperately to believe. They want so much to be correct in their assessment that they have at last found "the one" that they fail the first preliminary exam. Be alert to the signs. Examine new people closely and above all listen to what they say. Most women just pay lip service to the term listening. Men say what you want to hear but if you listen closely you can "read" between the lines. Watch their behavior and that will tell you volumes. I have coined the phrase, LALA which simply means Look, Ask, Listen, Ask. As women we don't do that enough.
If you never remember anything else, remember this when and if you decide that you cannot live without THIS married man. They never leave. Although never is a strong and seemingly undeviating position, it is more often than not absolute. Know that many women find married men attractive because it keeps them safe. You would be safer swimming naked in a pool filled with man-eating sharks. If you want real safety, stay home alone.
More dating dangers will follow in the weeks ahead so stay tuned and if you want more than read Blind Spots, The Ultimate Guide to Love in the Dark, available now in paperback from Amazon.com and on Kindle for an easy and fast download. No more waiting just one click does it all!
